"What If's" And Other Terrifying Words

A little over a year ago I wrote this explaining how I was okay being single. I was sitting in North Carolina at the time and had just downloaded the blogger mobile app because I felt like I just had to let my thoughts be known. I use writing as therapy a lot, which you probably aren't supposed to do on a blog that you actually want people to read... so I apologize. But it needed to be typed up and published for me to really grasp the idea I guess.

Well a ton more facebook engagement posts, relationship status updates, and instagrammed diamonds... I am yet again in that space of my life thinking what in the world have I done wrong? I certainly would like to think I am not hideous or make the boys run away screaming "monster!" or "ahhh troll!" when they see me. I have never had a boyfriend in my life, and my first kiss.... well that was when I was twenty years old. I think back on my life and I wonder what I did wrong... is it because I never got into the whole feathers in your hair fad? Maybe it's cuz I never had a razor growing up! Or maybe it's because I never grew up really listening to Britney Spears? According to cosmopolitan it might be because I wear too much Peter Pan Collar dresses...

I had wrote previously that I needed to focus on myself and my career.. I wanted to act and I was determined not to let anything get in my way. I am the type of person who would gladly put my dreams on hold (for maybe even ever) to support the people in my life. That's fine to me, I really have no problem with it because it's just who I am... but I knew I owed it to myself to chase my dreams. Seeing as the whole hearing thing crumbled and my dream of being a theatre student (at least at that specific college) was crushed.. I really didn't know where to turn. My fear from never finding a guy turned into a shame of one day having to explain that I in fact had no clue what I was doing with my life and was so terribly lost. And is that appealing? Oh heck no.

Today as of February 26th, 2015... I have somewhat of a plan. I am going to go back to school and study early childhood education as it is something dear to my heart. I admit all these chances and turns in life... they just make me feel like I sound like a foolish girl with her head in the clouds. But right now, that is the path I feel confidently called upon and nothing will change that. I am perfectly happy being single and not knowing who that elusive "one" is because well... I am in no way ready for him. I am not the woman of God I wish to be, the one who will put God first in her relationship and will be the woman I always hoped I could be as a mom and wife. I have to also get over my obnoxious attitude of being embarrassed and ashamed of my life choices. But that's life and it never makes sense and people can deal with it. I don't know who that guy is... he's probably swiping right on some girl on tinder as I type this and welp that's cool... I only hope that when I do meet him... I will be the best possible version of myself so that I am fully ready for whatever crazy love story is ahead.

I am beyond thankful I have never had a boyfriend. It saved me from tons of heartaches and probably tons of awkward boy stories (and we all know I have enough...) This whole week I had been so wrapped up in the "what if's" and my "should haves" that I made myself physically sick. (I am an over thinker and it's a horrible habit.) Finally after plenty of prayer, bible reading, and even a little crying... I came to the realization. Praise Jesus I have what if's and should haves because in all honestly I am a horrible decision maker. Would I really want to meet the right guy at the wrong time and ruin everything all because I am an overthinking impatient person? Nope.

When I am too careless to guard my own heart, in comes the savior of the universe who stops me and helps me guard my own. He's out there and I can't wait to meet him, but I want him to meet the Brooke who is so fixed on Jesus and has her priorities right that our relationship will be on the right foundation as well.
In middle and high school the famous quote for all the young Christian girls was:

  "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must seek Him first in order to find it"

I am going to be completely honest for years (really up until maybe yesterday...) I really didn't get the quote. But for me, and again my interpretation could be totally wrong... I think it's just about fully falling in love with Jesus (as cliche as that sounds too) and finding who you are as a woman of God. So that when the man comes along... he will be the spiritual leader you need so that he too can keep you both headed towards God, honoring him will your relationship.

So again I say thank you Lord for the beauty that is "what if's" "should haves" and fairytales....

Sorry for the rambling... writing is cheaper than therapy ya know ;)