Desperately Clicking My Heels

 

From the time I can remember, my favorite movie has always been The Wizard of Oz. I spent hours dressed up in a Dorothy costume as a kid, and lately I feel like I'm spending a lot of time in that same costume.. you just can't see it.

I often times want to write a blog post with depth.. my real emotions and flood the internet with a true part of me (not that I lie when I do makeup routines, outfit posts, or an insta recap... that's all me too. I just want the chance to be unapologetically raw.) I feed into the lie though, that we can't post something until it's resolved. Until God has proven himself faithful in this exact issue and the problem is fixed and wrapped up in a perfect, little bow. Don't get me wrong those testimonies and stories help me just as much as the look at how much of a hot mess I am posts do. This is a mix, I know God is faithful and that I have to wait it out... but in the meantime look at how much of a hot mess I truly am.

I had a plan I had many plans. I was supposed to be graduated by now, in fact the original plan was to be graduated with a communications degree on the way to becoming a news anchor. Yes, that was the plan. I went on a missions trip my freshman year of college to help out flood victims in New York, it was on that very trip I realized that being a news anchor wasn't where my life was leading. Through heavy prayer and a random out of no where spark... I decided I wanted to study theatre performance. That scared me to death, I had considered it pretty much all my life but when it got down to making a decision I wanted to stay as farthest from it as possible. I wish I had the answer for you as to why I wanted to run away from it for so long... my best bet is fear but I honestly don't know the answer for sure. Fear. That's the very thing that keeps me up at night worried and slightly wanting to cry... fear makes me run. I wish I could say I'm one of those people whose first reaction is to fight, but I flee... oh boy am I fleer. Feelings are scary, rejection is scary... and not just when it comes to your love life, also when it comes to your academic life and so here I am still picking up the pieces of my decision to not flee, but fight for theatre. Spoiler alert, I didn't make it. I had a plan and right in front of my eyes through an email it disappeared. My stomach still drops to this day when I think about it, I don't let myself dwell on it and I very rarely let myself cry over it. Usually that happens if I have had a tiny bit too much alcohol, most people cry over an ex... I cry over a theatre major. It's like my first love broke up with me.

Then I had a new plan. Basically I had no clue what my actual plan was so I planned on running away from my troubles and going to Disney World. I would work there while auditioning to be a Disney princess. I had researched, practiced, and was all ready when my would-be-roommate then changed the plan. I was lost, confused, and plan-less yet again.

It's been a reoccurring theme, I think I have it figured it out and then it changes on me. It just happened again to me last night but this is where I realize I'm learning and growing. While writing this post I realized I'm not freaking out like I usually am. I won't lie, I cried and being stuck yet again in a small town of VA isn't ideal. I just feel strangely calm, this is what is supposed to happen... and God already knows my story and life plan, I'm in the most capable of hands.

I have no clue what's going to happen next. I am job searching, as I mentioned previously, and this time all my stuff is in Jersey while I'm in VA instead of the other way around. I'm basically making it up as I go along and my whole life right now is a huge game of improv. I miss my Jersey friends already, I had been desperately clicking my heels for so long to have a place that felt like home and they were the answer to that prayer. Thank God for snapchat, texting, and group chats because I really think I wouldn't be as calm and collected as I am right now if not for that.

For now I'll focus on blogging, finding a full time job, writing, and being present in every day activities and lives. 2016 is off to a great start and I literally have no clue where I am going or what I am even doing... but I've grown a lot since April 2014 where I basically thought my life was a black hole and everything was over. I'm ready to find out what other talents I have and how I am going to give back to the world.

I haven't found a physical home but I think I've found home in every "unsuccessful" plan thus far. I'll be wearing that Dorothy costume loud and proud from now on on LookBrooke...