A Letter To My Best Friend That Was

Dear Best Friend,

It all started when a high school classmate got engaged. Sure people our age are getting engaged all the time, even our good friends. But this one struck me... differently, I mean there she was newly engaged surrounded by her family and friends. I couldn't help but then ask myself if I got engaged tomorrow and he decided to round up my friends and family... Would you even be considered?

We always used to joke you'd live in my basement and do my hair and makeup everyday so my husband would never see me "ugly." I knew without a doubt that you'd be the one who did my makeup when the special day arrived. Never a doubt, and yet here I am... doubting. 

I'd want to tell you right away the good news, not have you find out through Instagram or Facebook. Would you even want to know though, by the time the day I always dreamed about came around... Would you even care? I know you'd pop into my head as someone I would want to tell. I also know at the same time it would be pure agony, there I would be staring at the text wondering if I should even push send. 

It's the big things: the big life events and holidays where you realize something missing. Even worse than that, it's the silence. Even when we talk... there it is again, silence... in between the lines and you can tell something just isn't right. 

I actually am dreading New Years, flinching as hear of galentines on Parks and Recreation, and I am practically sobbing when I think of my birthday. Remember last New Years Eve? You were twenty one and I was twenty, I felt so bad because I kept holding you back from really celebrating because we couldn't really go anywhere. I remember thinking how I'd make it up to you this year.

It scares me, the idea of my birthday. Birthdays are when it becomes official, that's when you know. Is it just a impersonal post on Facebook, a tiny bit more heartfelt "happy birthday!" text to my phone, will it be like all this distance between us never existed and I will be showered with instagram pictures and texts and snapchats, or what I fear the most... will it be... nothing. 

Who would have thought that me going away for the summer, like I always did... would lead to a friendship just disappearing. I know you've missed some big events in my life and it pains me to know I most likely have missed a ton for you too....

As I looked at the news of that proposal I cried because we are at that age. The age where everything changes: people get married, people have kids, and sometimes your lifelong friends.... aren't lifelong.

When that day arrives I have no clue if you'll be one of the people I text. If my fiancé to be chooses to have friends and family at the proposal ... who knows if you'll be there.

I do know you'll cross my mind. I probably will even shed a few tears on the fact life got so in the way. I hope life is treating you well, by the looks of social media it is... but who can really trust that. I hope that I will cross your mind too, I hope it's not nearly as bittersweet or sad but I hope I do. 

Sincerely, 

Your Best Friend